How to Break Unhealthy Patterns

“You are not stuck. You’re just committed to certain patterns of behaviour because they helped you in the past. Now, these behaviours are more harmful than helpful. The reason you can’t move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result!” – Emily Maroutain

Does it ever feel like some aspects of your life continue to come full circle? Where certain things begin and end with the same outcome? Whether it’s a friendship that always ends with someone making you the villain. Maybe it’s the new toxic relationship or situation you find yourself in time after time. Do you shy away from difficult conversations, overthink, fall back into unhealthy eating habits, constantly stress out over minor things. If it leaves you wondering, “Why does this always happen to me?” Well it happens to many of us, but there are ways to transform these unhealthy patterns of behaviour and move forward with clarity and purpose. In order to do this it's so important to be completely honest with yourself about where these patterns may have originated. Is it coming from your childhood or maybe a bad experience that left you feeling like you weren’t good enough. No matter what the underlying issue is, in order to get the clarity you need, you will need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to handle the answers. 

The journey to becoming a certified Life Coach has taught me many things about myself and truly understanding the unhealthy patterns was the key to my transition to a more peaceful existence. I believe you don't know what demons your fighting or dancing with until you can see them. There were two major patterns in my life that I am mindful of, but I focus on them one at a time. This allows to me to concentrate on getting to the root cause of what’s driving the pattern and how to go in a different direction. I suffer from overcommitting and people pleasing. I'm an introvert so I really enjoy my alone time. It gives me space to breathe after long hours at work, surface-level conversations and the negative energy that surrounds me. I also have to wear certain hats when I'm around other people that don't necessarily fit me. But when someone asks me to do something whether it’s at work or with friends, I always “YES” enthusiastically. However, when my mind catches up to my mouth, the dread sets in and I think “why did I say yes?” and then the anxiety sets in. 

What I’ve realised about myself is that I overcommit as a way to feel included and valued but what it really does is serve my ego. The ego that says I’m liked, I’m wanted and people enjoy my company. It’s also a people pleasing pattern that I’ve realised about myself. I don’t want anyone to be upset with me. I want to be seen as the nicest and most helpful person. I want people to know they can always count on me. This may seem like it’s wonderful, right? Unfortunately, this behaviour left the door open for others to take advantage and minimize my needs and wants. Many times this led to feelings of depression, low self-esteem and a real lack of personal identity. Who am I if I’m not helping others, who am I when people don’t need me anymore. But as time goes on, I understand that always saying yes was exhausting and it did not serve me.

So how did I get here? Where did this behavioural pattern come from? When I think back to my childhood, I understood love from my mother came only when I conformed to her needs and wants, so I always wanted to make her happy. However, when I didn’t do what was asked or expected of me, I’d get the silent treatment as if I didn’t exist. Now I am in no way speaking ill of my mother. I’m sure if she knew how her behaviour would have affected me, things may have been different. But what we have to understand from our parents during that time, they loved how they were loved. They didn’t know any other way and for that I give my mother grace. There were also my religious beliefs, that putting others first is God’s will, so it is my duty. Now at 50, I am aware of this behaviour and I am actively working to break the cycle for my children.

In order to fix this unhealthy pattern in my life? I’m learning how to say “No”. I used to think saying no was rude, but believe me it’s not. It’s the best gift you can give yourself, this is called self-care and self-love. I’m taking the time to reflect on when and with whom I revert back to people pleasing and my motives. I’ve also started to pay attention to my own needs and becoming a lot more assertive. It doesn’t mean I’ve given up on being kind, that’s just in my nature. But what I am committing to do for myself is to put my needs and wants first.

 So how do you break unhealthy patterns in your life?

The first step is to be brutally honest with yourself and commit to change. This will open your eyes to the version of yourself that you never saw before or didn't want to see. 

Second, pay attention to the clues around you. Open your eyes, ears and mind to the things happening around you that "just don't feel right" in your gut. That feeling of "Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?" Recognise what actions or behaviours give you that feeling. But it's not always easy. However, there are behaviours to be mindful of. The Saviour complex, you're always trying to save others and pull them along with you even though you know you can not depend on them if the roles were suddenly reversed. Self-Doubt Complex, you pick yourself apart and constantly feel you're not enough, whether its in a relationship, friendship or work. You shy away from difficult conversations or situations because you don't like conflict. Self Betrayal, constantly looking to others for advice, putting others on a pedestal while suppressing your own intuition and feelings of self worth. You find yourself back in toxic environments and always fall for the wrong kind of person. 

 All the answers you need to break the cycle is within you, but you must be ready to dig deep to identify the source of that behaviour in order to change directions and transform your life. There's no magic solution to this only good old fashion self-love, determination and the desire to change.

So, what are some behavioural patterns in your life? How did you get here and what are you committing to do to change them?